When my husband Larry passed away, I felt an array of emotions. I was sad that he was no longer going to be around, happy that he didn’t suffer, relieved when all the guests returned home, frantic at how I would handle all the household matters alone and curious as to how my new reality would look. I was most surprised when I felt guilt. And I felt guilty for laughing.
I remember laughing at something that someone said on the day that he died. I immediately felt a load of guilt and clearly thought that it was inappropriate to laugh at all, even if what the person said was funny. As it turned out, laughter was my go-to emotion when all the other emotions were just too much to handle.
I am blessed to have a brother that I am close with. Andy and I are 16 months apart and haven’t always been warm and fuzzy. When we were kids, we would fight like crazy, which about drove my parents wild. As we got older, we grew closer. I suppose maturity had something to do with it, but whatever it was, I’m grateful.
I often think that we tell each other things that we wouldn’t tell another person on the planet. It also turns out that he is also extremely funny.
During funeral week, when I just couldn’t face another greeting card, flower delivery, or sympathetic face, I would look to Andy to lift my spirits. He knew when I needed a laugh or at the very least something to smile about. Even with an overwhelming sense of guilt at laughing, I would seek him out to lighten my burden, albeit temporarily. He sang show tunes, made stupid requests from sincere people asking if we needed anything (Yes! Shrimp!), and made comical remarks about ordinary comments.
At the risk of sounding harsh, I was not the one who died. I know that Larry would be mad if I sat around all depressed, dressed in black and not moving on. I have a lot of life ahead of me with hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans.
I’m not an expert in emotions but I do know what works for me. Laughing worked and, obviously, still does! It made many tense situations lighter. I encourage you to find what make you feel better. As long as it’s legal (did I make you laugh?)!
